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South Africa’s first apartheid-free presidential election is finally here, and to punctuate just how important this shit is, citizens have started a civil war so they can kill one another in its honor. Political analysts say Nelson Mandela and his African National Congress (ANC) will take 70 percent of the 1994 vote, leaving 20 or so other parties to grapple over the remaining 30: For violent whites there is the Afrikaner Resistance Movement; for frustrated Zulu nationalists there is the Inkatha Freedom Party (IFP); for the simply hopeless there is the outgoing National Party. But enough of that facts-and-figures crap. Let’s get to the murdering!

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